Sunday, July 27, 2008

And then there were shoes....


The wasteland of shoes.
Jumbled, Tumbled and Lost.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Musings


Sketching. Painting. Honoring my body.
There is joy in picking up the brush to caress the canvas.
I do not hold myself to a standard of perfectionism.
Bad art is allowed. The good comes through the bad.

I am struggling with being motivated to do anything. Or maybe I should say, I love futzing on the computer, reading, watching Oprah, dreaming, and watering my plants. This summer has been good for me. Slowly, I'm coming down off Lexapro. (maybe the extra weight will start to slowly come down as well) I have daydreamed of new ways to motivate, teach and control my students. I actually miss them! Sleep has come easily and in large quantities. I haven't accomplished the goals I set at the beginning of the summer, but I'm ok with that. Serendipity has ruled the day, all of them.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

The Sly North Wind

I've felt it blowing through my spirit the last few days.
It shows up in an inconsolable itch to change something in my life.
Nothing is wrong with my job, my car, my house, etc.
It's just an itch to check out my options.

Eventually it subsides.
I am happy.
Maybe a tad bored.
So summer projects are beginning to get done.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Moving on


It takes time and work to move through abuse. Even spiritual abuse.
I come to the place where I can acknowledge the abuse.
Hurt over it. Be angry. Talk about it.
Those steps repeat themselves until one day I find that I've moved a little bit.
Some small piece of me has begun to heal.

I realized this the other day when I answered the following questions:
1. How do I view God?
Open, Loving, Safe
2. How do I relate to God?
I find that in silence and stillness I am at peace. I sense His presence in nature.
3. How does God reveal himself to me?
In beauty; In freeing me to find him in relationship; In the words and actions of love from others; In the peace and safety I feel even though I'm not performing all the christian actions.
4. What hang-ups do I still have regarding God?
On occasion, I find myself resisting the idea of God because the fundamentalist strings have been so recently removed. God is closely tied to family and their expectations of what a christian looks and acts like. The whole thing requires so much work.

This is my journey and I am moving on.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Remember

Some dates are etched deeply across my heart.
July 13, 2001 is one of those days.
My painting, Storms, came five years later.
Justin was working at the Wilds Christian Camp for his third summer. That morning he climbed a tree in the guys cabin area to begin taking it down. All the branches had been taken off and Justin was within 30 seconds of coming down out of the tree when the trunk snapped. Justin fell with the tree onto one of the cabin roofs and then to the ground. He died instantly. And just as instantly our lives were changed.

I offer you a brief collection of my memories.
This is the last valentine Justin sent me. He was 19.


We loved being silly in front of the camera. This is our last Christmas together. (2000)


Finally, we made "happy faces." Justin, Lauren, Sharon, Morgan.


Justin was all boy. Strong, but gentle.


He rode this bike for five years. Wore out and replaced every part.


Some days come uninvited.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

To be myself


There are many parts of me.
The Yin and the Yang.
The naughty and nice.
As I continue to search out who I am, I am becoming more comfortable with allowing you to see who I really am.

Safety and familiarity is important to me.
Unique things resonate deeply within my spirit.
I have a hard time speaking my truth for the first time.
I am quick to adopt other's quirks, hoping they will like me.

Today, I own my faults and failures.
But I also celebrate my strengths.